[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
What if the weather talks about us?
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs