I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
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*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
me 2 months after i graduated
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
wtf is an acronym
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.