What about a To-Don’t List?
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COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
fourth time’s the charm
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
uh oh
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok