The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
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I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house