I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
You Might Also Like
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
#polloftheday
Friday
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why