When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
You Might Also Like
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
That’s easy for you to say
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.