When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.