i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.