Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
prepare for carbonated trouble
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.