My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Do not levitate over flowers
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs