Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Have a lovely day 😊
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
The struggle is real.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.