Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Are you ok, human???
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
this has to be peak English
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”