nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge