[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
You are what you delete.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
pelicons
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.