Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
i can’t wait that long
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.