Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.