I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
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1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.