did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best