Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Not recommended for beginners.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”