Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.