My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
You Might Also Like
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself