Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I love it all
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?