I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Where is your GOD now????
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was