i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
fixed it
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.