Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
This is the one
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.