There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal