So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.