You learn something every day
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Ah yes. The three genders
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
This anagram machine is out of order.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything