I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that