Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
me when I see my crush
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.