Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.