“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition