My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Hot hot hot 🥵
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.