I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I hope this email finds you in a well
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar