If you had more money you’d be happier.
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Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
We all have our pet causes.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me