oh good, now I can stop drinking
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Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.