Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
why would tinder want me to say this
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.