COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge