I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*