I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me too
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.