“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
eggs benadryl
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.