My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Miscakes
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano