“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
We’ve come full circle
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.