Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
The smoothest fall of all time
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink