My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My blood type is coffee.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Anyone really
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.