My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Whoa 😂
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
A flock of dads is called a grill.