HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me in tagged photos
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
God making man in his image was the original selfie
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month