I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.