I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Ugh but profoundly
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Think I pulled my liver
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN