M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ